The struggle for Freedom

GOAL: Complete, All encompassing Independence.

Independence = Not being dependant on anyone or anything.

Escaping the constrains that chain me down daily
I should be free, independent:

• Mentally - May I refuse anxiety, stress, depression, thoughts that burden me down so much that they manifest themselves in symptoms. May I feed myself positive energy and thoughts. May I be different, experience things from different cultures, different ages. May I love myself like I love him. May fear no longer be my guide.
• Financially - May I continue to make my own money and grind hard as hell. May I find a job perfect for me. May I not feel guilty about spending my parents money on illicit things because I won't be asking them for money. May I be able to do anything I desire because I have the means to support myself and the ones I love. May I no longer cry when looking on Instagram because I can afford what they can. May I continue to be less stingy. May I make sure I don't overdraw and always have a big supply of money, not only for emergencies but for investments too. 
• Physically - May I eat what I want, exercise when I want, say what I want, always think myself beautiful and no longer compare myself to others.
• Spiritually - May my spirit be free. May I meditate when stress overcomes. May I accept when God is good. May I not hate, not judge those who make no decision.
• Emotionally - May I no longer feel guilty for certain feelings. May I continue to control my actions when I am emotional and may I take a hold of my emotions, ride them out or throw them out. May I never need anyone, but only want. May I learn to truly love.
• Relationally - May I not give 10 and a half shits about what people think about me. May I continue to have great sex. May I take further steps to reach out to people outside my circle and comfort zone. May I make an effort to respond to texts and calls because that's how friendships are maintained, but not stress myself out when I don't. May I make an effort to meet up with people and use my relationships to get ahead in life. May I allow for other peoples mistakes. May I STOP BEING SO fucking NICE. 

Here lies my Mantra.

Wrongdoing

Society, you told me not to trust men
It wasn't my Papi, nor my bro, nor my boyfriends

You constantly reinforce that all men want it the cookie
They have a million wandering eyes all over their body and sleep with every girl with a big batty
Regardless of whether the they have someone at home or not
You joke about mains, side chicks and dishes on Instagram and Twitter
But not all men thing with their happy stick

You teach us that woman should fight each other to win the man
Ladies, to the men that are dogs, the ones that do cheat,
There's plenty of fish in the sea!
If one fish has done you wrong,
Don't go fighting the seahorses, fight that fish and move onto the others
That woman is not responsible for your mans actions, he played both of you
Why throw drinks at her when both of you should be boxing him together?

I spent too much valuable time undoing what you put into my mind,
Creating hypersensitivity
When my efforts could have been spent enjoying the time with the one I love
All the men I know are loyal,
Why'd you have to plant some bad seed in my mind?

Uncommitted to Commitment

It's a tough life when sometimes...most of the time, the things you love slip out of your hands, especially when it's by your own doing. In my life, that reality is too true, but I blame it on my circumstances. Moving 9 times in 20 years means that commitment isn't something I can really comprehend. Everything is transient, it has to change. I like schedules due to my organised nature but routine drives me insane. Life should be dynamic and if it doesn't change, there's a huge problem. This may not sound too deep, yet it impacts my view on jobs, responsibilities and people.

Don't get too close because one of us will leave anyway. People are disposable, replaceable, for now it's cool and we're kicking it but we're not even going to know each other in a few years so don't hit me up too much. This low key 'fear' or aspect mixed with my introverted nature, has meant that I often feel very alone. So when I've built a deep friendship with someone, you're not going anywhere mate. It's rare for me to feel completely comfortable around others outside of my family or relationship. I didn't know this till the people I love and thought I was going to have in my life for a while, went...in one way or another.

With jobs, I always have it in the back of my mind that I can walk away in the middle of a shift, when I'm not feeling it anymore. I haven't done it yet, but the thought shouldn't be there in the first place. Nevertheless, the longest job I've kept if for 4 months and I've worked for about 12 places in the space of 5 years. That looks awful on a CV, so I often cut out 2/3's or else the employment history won't fit. My mind struggles to get to a place where I can realise that the choices I make can have long term consequences and affect people that I care about. Because it moves so quickly, I can feel some type of way one day, react to that feeling, then regret it the next, knowing that it's not that deep. But the one I hurt is left reeling. That's something I've had to learnt to control.

Overall, I can get it, but I can't keep it. Phones, bae, jobs, friends, money (lmao). I want that to change and I hope to one day understand the concept of permanence and contentment with being in one place in my life.