Uncommitted to Commitment

It's a tough life when sometimes...most of the time, the things you love slip out of your hands, especially when it's by your own doing. In my life, that reality is too true, but I blame it on my circumstances. Moving 9 times in 20 years means that commitment isn't something I can really comprehend. Everything is transient, it has to change. I like schedules due to my organised nature but routine drives me insane. Life should be dynamic and if it doesn't change, there's a huge problem. This may not sound too deep, yet it impacts my view on jobs, responsibilities and people.

Don't get too close because one of us will leave anyway. People are disposable, replaceable, for now it's cool and we're kicking it but we're not even going to know each other in a few years so don't hit me up too much. This low key 'fear' or aspect mixed with my introverted nature, has meant that I often feel very alone. So when I've built a deep friendship with someone, you're not going anywhere mate. It's rare for me to feel completely comfortable around others outside of my family or relationship. I didn't know this till the people I love and thought I was going to have in my life for a while, went...in one way or another.

With jobs, I always have it in the back of my mind that I can walk away in the middle of a shift, when I'm not feeling it anymore. I haven't done it yet, but the thought shouldn't be there in the first place. Nevertheless, the longest job I've kept if for 4 months and I've worked for about 12 places in the space of 5 years. That looks awful on a CV, so I often cut out 2/3's or else the employment history won't fit. My mind struggles to get to a place where I can realise that the choices I make can have long term consequences and affect people that I care about. Because it moves so quickly, I can feel some type of way one day, react to that feeling, then regret it the next, knowing that it's not that deep. But the one I hurt is left reeling. That's something I've had to learnt to control.

Overall, I can get it, but I can't keep it. Phones, bae, jobs, friends, money (lmao). I want that to change and I hope to one day understand the concept of permanence and contentment with being in one place in my life.